What if?

What if I made these decisions instead of those. Would things have turned out differently?

My friend asked me yesterday: "What do I feel when I run into my ex?"

For me, when I am walking towards her. Each step I take, is one into my past; the memories replay in my head, the butterflies in my stomach becomes active. I try my best to look my best and act like I'm doing so well without her. But, my heart is skipping beats, my breathing becomes uneven. I want to turn in the other direction and get away from all these emotions, but it's too late, she already sees me. Then I try to avoid eye contact by pretending to be looking for someone or to be pretending to text. When that moment finally comes, when we are finally next to each other, I have nothing to say to her. As she passes by, I smell her once familiar scent. When this is all over with, I realize it was the biggest mistake to let her walk out of my life. I turn back hoping for her to do the same, but only to find out she's already gone.

_______________

Getting replaced is a really despairing thing. It sucks knowing someone took your place. Sometimes you don't even notice it, other times it just happens. Promises and promises, doesn't even matter if you get replaced. It hurts to know that things won't ever be the same again, even if you want them to be. All the things you used to do, you don't do them anymore because you were put to the side and forgotten. I hate seeing someone else doing stuff I used to do.

Sometimes, I feel a little jealous inside imagining someone can please you more than me. I guess it's just my insecurities acting up a bit, because I know I'm not the most beautiful, most fun, or even the most exciting person you'll ever meet. It hurts to see you flirting and smiling with other guys, but you're not mine, and you could still do whatever... Still, I wish i was the guy making you smile like that. When someone becomes a part of your daily routine, it's so hard to adjust once you stop talking. They end up being all you think about.

So what if? What if I made these decisions instead of those? What if I did this instead of that? What if she hates me? What if she has a new boyfriend?

There is no point on dwelling in the past. Instead, I should be living for today, because yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come. So I ask myself What if I made these decisions? What if I said this and not that? What if she doesn't hate me? What if she doesn't have a new boyfriend? What if she wants me back as her boyfriend?

What if?

Fuck what you heard.

Fuck what you heard.

Let's face it. People are always going to be talking - no matter what. But who gives a fuck if people talk shit behind your back? It's up to them, whether or not they're going to jump on that bandwagon and believe everything else their peers believe. Even if people make that mistake of prejudging you, they will only find out that you're a great person, and that they missed out on the chance in getting to know you, because they were too caught up believing the words of presumptuous people.

Everybody makes that mistake of prejudice towards others but, we are only human. Everyone will eventually learn that their assumptions about others tend to be wrong. If you are ever judged wrongly by others, you'll be surprised at how wrong rumors tend to be. Just fuck what you've heard.

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about one's who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy. They just promised it would be worth it.

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Don't ever, ever let anyone bring you down. Regardless of what they say, never take it to heart. They don't know you; they don't know your story. They only make assumptions based on the little things that you present. Let them have their fun making guesses at what kind of person you are. 'Cause in the end, you know who you are, and that's all that matters.

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

Till the end of time and beyond.

Cherie,

How do I begin? Once again, you have inspired me to write and that's a good thing (smile), although this is going to be a tough subject for me. But, regardless of it being a difficult topic, I don't ever want to leave things unsaid between us.

Since our breakup, despite all the times you apologized to me, I still blamed myself for the way things ended up. And it's true, in the past; our relationship has been unfair to you in so many ways.

I don't care what you say; I accept all responsibility for everything that happened and I just wanted you to know that I never meant for any of this to happen.

My greatest joy was to see a smile on your beautiful face. To see you always meant the world to me. I loved hugging you, holding your hand, and hoping for that kiss at the end of the day. Despite the fact that you may not feel the same, you still remain in my heart and that feeling has never diminished for even a slight second. There was no one as important to me as you.

And after all the hurt I caused you, I know it's hard to believe anything I say and I'll understand. I sincerely hope you take these words as the truth as to how I feel and how sorry I am.

Everything you did to keep me away, I deserved and I want you to know that I hold no grudges of any kind. I was selfish, insensitive, and blind. When you told me you didn't like something I did, I disregarded you. When we had our arguments and disagreements, instead of making the effort to fix the problem, I just ignored it. I had no sense.

Also, I am aware that I made you do some things you did not expect yourself to do. Because of this, you lost trust in both yourself and me. Therefore, everything was my fault - all you ever did was be good to me and love me. I am deeply and sincerely sorry and I am asking you for your forgiveness. I hope you find happiness and hold onto it tightly. I know you probably have a new person to love; someone that cares about you more than I had. Someone who won't hurt you like I had. Someone who thinks about you every day. I will be jealous but, in the end all that matters to me is your happiness and if it means I suffer and I never see you again, then so be it. It's a price I will willingly pay. I made a very big mistake and lost the love of my life for it.

In closure, I just want you to know that , I still love you. I will be here to be your safety net, to be at the bottom of that bridge to catch you if you ever jump. I wish that someday, you will forgive me and take me back as your lover.

But even if that doesn't happen, I will still be here for you till the end of time and beyond.

Love always,
Isaac

The very first episode we watched together.

Dear Cherie,

I realize the only way I can really move on is if I make amends. I know I have not handled this "recent situation" in the healthiest way possible. My usual reaction when I think I am being put into a corner is to come out fighting or to at least come out shouting: "I'M RIGHT AND YOU'RE WRONG". That way of thinking has only made me angrier. Sadly, I know that my desire to be right was a major fault of mine in our entire relationship. I also know that many times I was the one who pushed me in a corner to begin with.

I now know that our problems were as much my responsibility as they were yours. I wish we spent as much time working to solve the issues as we did trying to cover them up. In the past few months, our relationship was more "push and pull" than "give and take". But we were not always this way.

I remember some really good times and I have many fond memories. I hope you do too. I hope that you will focus on those memories rather than the ones that are painful. I am working to let go of the pain and release my suffering. I truly hope you will do the same.

My first reaction upon hearing you went to 3rd base with someone else was resentment and anger.

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable, I feel that you really cheated me. However, I am truly sorry for my previous blog post, and I will hate myself if I hurt your feelings. I was drunk and mad and what I wrote was not the real me. Of all people in the whole entire world, you are honestly the last person that I would ever want to have problems with.

Now I know my angry blog post and my pissed off mood was because I didn't want you to be happy - I wanted you to be in pain. The days I sat around pissed, upset, and crying, I wanted you to be doing the same. I wanted to punish you. This was hurtful and I see now that this kind of persecution would do nothing but continue the problems we had in our relationship. I do not want to repeat this, for the sake of you and me.

I am trying my best not to be upset over what you did. I do appreciate the fact that you value our relationship enough to tell me the truth instead of hiding it from me. But, I do hope that you take time to really find out who you are. It is my goal to be the best I can be for both you and myself.

I will admit that I have a difficult time dealing with jealousy and loneliness. I know that you probably haven't experienced that like I have. However, it has been in times that I was jealous or lonely that I discovered things about me that I had forgotten or that I didn't know existed. So although I have been sad, I'm grateful I've found "ME" in this. In the bible I'm reminded that "my Happiness is in the LORD!" It is through Him that I can be happy. It is also through him Him that I can forgive. He gives the ultimate picture of forgiveness in sending his Son to die on the cross for the sins of the world. I am releasing the anger that I've held. I cannot hold on to it any longer. It is not healthy. It will not make me happy. It will not strengthen me in any other aspect of my life. The anger I have felt will only hinder me from moving on from this time in my life. I forgive you for everything. I ask for your forgiveness as well.


Sincerely,

Isaac

...

Dear you,

You did a stupid thing huh?

No… doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing". Locking your car keys in your car is “a stupid thing”. Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing". Going to 3rd with one of my friends while I am away on a wrestling tournament, isn't as much "a stupid thing" as it is grounds for you being permanently removed from my life.

To be honest, I’m not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself at my best friend’s house or that you seemed to think that by saying “I’m sorry” somehow gave you a clean slate.

So forgive me if I couldn’t care less that you “feel like a whore, bitch, and slut combined” right now. Since your world revolves around the color pink, Lexus, Juicy Couture, and Coach bags, I’m sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else’s feelings for 24 hours straight.

Some even better news for you is that my friends all think you’re a terrible person, they all think that you don’t deserve somebody like me and you command no respect whatsoever.

By the way, I hope you enjoyed going to 3^rd withhim because I don’t think I’ll be seeing you anytime soon. Thought you might like to know.

Farewell.