I realize the only way I can really move on is if I make amends. I know I have not handled this "recent situation" in the healthiest way possible. My usual reaction when I think I am being put into a corner is to come out fighting or to at least come out shouting: "I'M RIGHT AND YOU'RE WRONG". That way of thinking has only made me angrier. Sadly, I know that my desire to be right was a major fault of mine in our entire relationship. I also know that many times I was the one who pushed me in a corner to begin with.
I now know that our problems were as much my responsibility as they were yours. I wish we spent as much time working to solve the issues as we did trying to cover them up. In the past few months, our relationship was more "push and pull" than "give and take". But we were not always this way.
I remember some really good times and I have many fond memories. I hope you do too. I hope that you will focus on those memories rather than the ones that are painful. I am working to let go of the pain and release my suffering. I truly hope you will do the same.
My first reaction upon hearing you went to 3rd base with someone else was resentment and anger.
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable, I feel that you really cheated me. However, I am truly sorry for my previous blog post, and I will hate myself if I hurt your feelings. I was drunk and mad and what I wrote was not the real me. Of all people in the whole entire world, you are honestly the last person that I would ever want to have problems with.
Now I know my angry blog post and my pissed off mood was because I didn't want you to be happy - I wanted you to be in pain. The days I sat around pissed, upset, and crying, I wanted you to be doing the same. I wanted to punish you. This was hurtful and I see now that this kind of persecution would do nothing but continue the problems we had in our relationship. I do not want to repeat this, for the sake of you and me.
I am trying my best not to be upset over what you did. I do appreciate the fact that you value our relationship enough to tell me the truth instead of hiding it from me. But, I do hope that you take time to really find out who you are. It is my goal to be the best I can be for both you and myself.
I will admit that I have a difficult time dealing with jealousy and loneliness. I know that you probably haven't experienced that like I have. However, it has been in times that I was jealous or lonely that I discovered things about me that I had forgotten or that I didn't know existed. So although I have been sad, I'm grateful I've found "ME" in this. In the bible I'm reminded that "my Happiness is in the LORD!" It is through Him that I can be happy. It is also through him Him that I can forgive. He gives the ultimate picture of forgiveness in sending his Son to die on the cross for the sins of the world. I am releasing the anger that I've held. I cannot hold on to it any longer. It is not healthy. It will not make me happy. It will not strengthen me in any other aspect of my life. The anger I have felt will only hinder me from moving on from this time in my life. I forgive you for everything. I ask for your forgiveness as well.
Sincerely,
Isaac
