What if?

What if I made these decisions instead of those. Would things have turned out differently?

My friend asked me yesterday: "What do I feel when I run into my ex?"

For me, when I am walking towards her. Each step I take, is one into my past; the memories replay in my head, the butterflies in my stomach becomes active. I try my best to look my best and act like I'm doing so well without her. But, my heart is skipping beats, my breathing becomes uneven. I want to turn in the other direction and get away from all these emotions, but it's too late, she already sees me. Then I try to avoid eye contact by pretending to be looking for someone or to be pretending to text. When that moment finally comes, when we are finally next to each other, I have nothing to say to her. As she passes by, I smell her once familiar scent. When this is all over with, I realize it was the biggest mistake to let her walk out of my life. I turn back hoping for her to do the same, but only to find out she's already gone.

_______________

Getting replaced is a really despairing thing. It sucks knowing someone took your place. Sometimes you don't even notice it, other times it just happens. Promises and promises, doesn't even matter if you get replaced. It hurts to know that things won't ever be the same again, even if you want them to be. All the things you used to do, you don't do them anymore because you were put to the side and forgotten. I hate seeing someone else doing stuff I used to do.

Sometimes, I feel a little jealous inside imagining someone can please you more than me. I guess it's just my insecurities acting up a bit, because I know I'm not the most beautiful, most fun, or even the most exciting person you'll ever meet. It hurts to see you flirting and smiling with other guys, but you're not mine, and you could still do whatever... Still, I wish i was the guy making you smile like that. When someone becomes a part of your daily routine, it's so hard to adjust once you stop talking. They end up being all you think about.

So what if? What if I made these decisions instead of those? What if I did this instead of that? What if she hates me? What if she has a new boyfriend?

There is no point on dwelling in the past. Instead, I should be living for today, because yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come. So I ask myself What if I made these decisions? What if I said this and not that? What if she doesn't hate me? What if she doesn't have a new boyfriend? What if she wants me back as her boyfriend?

What if?

Fuck what you heard.

Fuck what you heard.

Let's face it. People are always going to be talking - no matter what. But who gives a fuck if people talk shit behind your back? It's up to them, whether or not they're going to jump on that bandwagon and believe everything else their peers believe. Even if people make that mistake of prejudging you, they will only find out that you're a great person, and that they missed out on the chance in getting to know you, because they were too caught up believing the words of presumptuous people.

Everybody makes that mistake of prejudice towards others but, we are only human. Everyone will eventually learn that their assumptions about others tend to be wrong. If you are ever judged wrongly by others, you'll be surprised at how wrong rumors tend to be. Just fuck what you've heard.

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about one's who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy. They just promised it would be worth it.

_________

Don't ever, ever let anyone bring you down. Regardless of what they say, never take it to heart. They don't know you; they don't know your story. They only make assumptions based on the little things that you present. Let them have their fun making guesses at what kind of person you are. 'Cause in the end, you know who you are, and that's all that matters.

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

Till the end of time and beyond.

Cherie,

How do I begin? Once again, you have inspired me to write and that's a good thing (smile), although this is going to be a tough subject for me. But, regardless of it being a difficult topic, I don't ever want to leave things unsaid between us.

Since our breakup, despite all the times you apologized to me, I still blamed myself for the way things ended up. And it's true, in the past; our relationship has been unfair to you in so many ways.

I don't care what you say; I accept all responsibility for everything that happened and I just wanted you to know that I never meant for any of this to happen.

My greatest joy was to see a smile on your beautiful face. To see you always meant the world to me. I loved hugging you, holding your hand, and hoping for that kiss at the end of the day. Despite the fact that you may not feel the same, you still remain in my heart and that feeling has never diminished for even a slight second. There was no one as important to me as you.

And after all the hurt I caused you, I know it's hard to believe anything I say and I'll understand. I sincerely hope you take these words as the truth as to how I feel and how sorry I am.

Everything you did to keep me away, I deserved and I want you to know that I hold no grudges of any kind. I was selfish, insensitive, and blind. When you told me you didn't like something I did, I disregarded you. When we had our arguments and disagreements, instead of making the effort to fix the problem, I just ignored it. I had no sense.

Also, I am aware that I made you do some things you did not expect yourself to do. Because of this, you lost trust in both yourself and me. Therefore, everything was my fault - all you ever did was be good to me and love me. I am deeply and sincerely sorry and I am asking you for your forgiveness. I hope you find happiness and hold onto it tightly. I know you probably have a new person to love; someone that cares about you more than I had. Someone who won't hurt you like I had. Someone who thinks about you every day. I will be jealous but, in the end all that matters to me is your happiness and if it means I suffer and I never see you again, then so be it. It's a price I will willingly pay. I made a very big mistake and lost the love of my life for it.

In closure, I just want you to know that , I still love you. I will be here to be your safety net, to be at the bottom of that bridge to catch you if you ever jump. I wish that someday, you will forgive me and take me back as your lover.

But even if that doesn't happen, I will still be here for you till the end of time and beyond.

Love always,
Isaac

The very first episode we watched together.

Dear Cherie,

I realize the only way I can really move on is if I make amends. I know I have not handled this "recent situation" in the healthiest way possible. My usual reaction when I think I am being put into a corner is to come out fighting or to at least come out shouting: "I'M RIGHT AND YOU'RE WRONG". That way of thinking has only made me angrier. Sadly, I know that my desire to be right was a major fault of mine in our entire relationship. I also know that many times I was the one who pushed me in a corner to begin with.

I now know that our problems were as much my responsibility as they were yours. I wish we spent as much time working to solve the issues as we did trying to cover them up. In the past few months, our relationship was more "push and pull" than "give and take". But we were not always this way.

I remember some really good times and I have many fond memories. I hope you do too. I hope that you will focus on those memories rather than the ones that are painful. I am working to let go of the pain and release my suffering. I truly hope you will do the same.

My first reaction upon hearing you went to 3rd base with someone else was resentment and anger.

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable, I feel that you really cheated me. However, I am truly sorry for my previous blog post, and I will hate myself if I hurt your feelings. I was drunk and mad and what I wrote was not the real me. Of all people in the whole entire world, you are honestly the last person that I would ever want to have problems with.

Now I know my angry blog post and my pissed off mood was because I didn't want you to be happy - I wanted you to be in pain. The days I sat around pissed, upset, and crying, I wanted you to be doing the same. I wanted to punish you. This was hurtful and I see now that this kind of persecution would do nothing but continue the problems we had in our relationship. I do not want to repeat this, for the sake of you and me.

I am trying my best not to be upset over what you did. I do appreciate the fact that you value our relationship enough to tell me the truth instead of hiding it from me. But, I do hope that you take time to really find out who you are. It is my goal to be the best I can be for both you and myself.

I will admit that I have a difficult time dealing with jealousy and loneliness. I know that you probably haven't experienced that like I have. However, it has been in times that I was jealous or lonely that I discovered things about me that I had forgotten or that I didn't know existed. So although I have been sad, I'm grateful I've found "ME" in this. In the bible I'm reminded that "my Happiness is in the LORD!" It is through Him that I can be happy. It is also through him Him that I can forgive. He gives the ultimate picture of forgiveness in sending his Son to die on the cross for the sins of the world. I am releasing the anger that I've held. I cannot hold on to it any longer. It is not healthy. It will not make me happy. It will not strengthen me in any other aspect of my life. The anger I have felt will only hinder me from moving on from this time in my life. I forgive you for everything. I ask for your forgiveness as well.


Sincerely,

Isaac

...

Dear you,

You did a stupid thing huh?

No… doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing". Locking your car keys in your car is “a stupid thing”. Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing". Going to 3rd with one of my friends while I am away on a wrestling tournament, isn't as much "a stupid thing" as it is grounds for you being permanently removed from my life.

To be honest, I’m not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself at my best friend’s house or that you seemed to think that by saying “I’m sorry” somehow gave you a clean slate.

So forgive me if I couldn’t care less that you “feel like a whore, bitch, and slut combined” right now. Since your world revolves around the color pink, Lexus, Juicy Couture, and Coach bags, I’m sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else’s feelings for 24 hours straight.

Some even better news for you is that my friends all think you’re a terrible person, they all think that you don’t deserve somebody like me and you command no respect whatsoever.

By the way, I hope you enjoyed going to 3^rd withhim because I don’t think I’ll be seeing you anytime soon. Thought you might like to know.

Farewell.

Special Someone

Dear Isaac Chang,

Its funny how we have so much history together. Ive known you for about 6 months now, and so much has happened. Never would i have thought we would be here now. Back in April, i just met you at the not for sale concert. Pretty sure that was sort of awkward because you had no idea who i was and i was talking to you like you were my buddy. Sorry i apologize for that. hehe. But look at us now, alot different huh? Before i go on, i wanted to say, sorry if i was ever rude or mean to you before. I didnt mean to be and i wish i wasnt. Im so glad that i know you now, and i wont ever regret that.

It feels nice to have someone always be there for you no matter what happens. Theyll be standing when everything else falls, theyll be that hand to help you up, and theyll be that step to help you strive. Well that someone for me, is you. I know ferser that i can always count on you. From our big problems to just tiny tasks, i know that i can trust you. There will always be speed bumps through the journey, but dont let it ever stop you from doing what you want to do. Strive for it, reach further than you aim for. Just like my 3,557. i hoped i got even close to 2,500 until i saw the rockets. Then i realized i was WAY passed 2,500 :D I know whenever i have a really bad day, i can go to you to vent and youll make me feel better :]

I like how we kind of just click. We always have something to talk about. Whether it be football, cars, friends, shopping or drama, we never run out of things to talk about. I love how we can relate to each other about our sports. How we get hurt and how competitive we get during practices. we can talk about how retarded our coaches were that day or how hard practice was. that just pushes us more to doing what we love. we share the pain that our sport brings us, whether physical or emotional. we tell each other about the stories of getting hurt and the stories how much we hate going to practices. Guess its a love hate relationship with dance and wrestling.

Thats prolly the best part about you. We almost never get into arguements. Pretty sure its cause youre wayyy too nice. I mean seriously dude, who makes up excuses to go buy starbucks... I guess you do BUT thats not a bad thing... I think :p I have to say thank you to that. Stop feeding me carbs otherwise ill never be able to lose weight in comp season -.- BUT HEY sugar is always welcome :] ya know like kit kat and twixxx. hehe. dont worry i wont be bouncing off the walls, thats retarded. Okay, right now im just kinda ranting cuz its like 1:30 am and i had alot of like idk food for dinner so bear with me AND i just watched that A.S.S mini movie... THAT WAS QUITE FUNNY. I LIKE..... the bug go BAH.

Inside jokes.....SOCKS. um yea. we have a BUNCH of those things. Dont be scared when you look into the mirror and you see socks. Its normal. oh yea and please pay attention when walking through a doorway cause the WOODEN DOOR SWINGS BACK AND FORTH. yea dangerous things. BUT its okay ill save you cuz imma fly through your floorboards :D Friends... PRAM, RICHOLI. CORK, LAWRMILY. Great friends they are.especially PRAM and LAWRMILY. None the less, it all sums up to rintoo and hoho :] two of the greatest animals in ni hao kailan. its crazy how the personalities of rintoo matches you EXACTLY. o.o scarys. and i guess hoho's doestoo. i think the script writers are stalking us. okay even crazier is that rintoo and hoho are 2 years apart.... just like us. Their flying through our floorboards...careful now.

hey um... DONT PULL AN ISAAC CHANG. yupp. worst thing you could do in your WHOLE life. Funny story behind this. But i think it was my fault to start with. If i kind of like thought harder and pushed the door,you wouldnt have had your key drop off the keychain then called your dad then wait and everything. so much for knocking on wood :[ sorryss. really am. mehhh. that day was pretty crazy. everything we said has pretty much come true. Like we talked about seeing michael chiang 15 min before we got off the car and BAM there he was eating at five guys. then were like damn watch this be a mission kids get together. sitting down in paneara and we see Swahib eating with his girlfriend. get our food and sit down and Alissa Gwynn comes walking in with her little gang. ohhh dears. i thought i was like going insane or something that day. CRAZYYY freaking day that was ._.

We have the COOLEST adventures. especially the one into the city. that day was overall and funass day. Shopping was crazy with emily. almost 2 hours at forever 21 and another like hour of walking around aimlessly looking for emilys fav cafe and going to 5 stores too look for SPRITE. finally got that at seven-eleven. which mean you and your gang spent like 3 hrs at selfedge trying on jeans that you guys can wash for 209376523 years. eughh disguustinnnggg. but that reminds me of your parking ticket :/ i feel baddd. if we took bart you wouldnt have gotten it. sighh. BUT i hope you had fun just as much as I DID YAYY :] oh yea and for draging you and lawrence to juicy for like a hr. loved to exercise from the 4 flights of stairs huh? :p hope you got a taste of the world that i love.. PINK STUFFS. emilys prolly gonna go like -.- this if she reads that part. Im looking forward to the crazier ones we have in the future. its gonna be UBER FUNNN :D yayyy.

Overall youre such a great guy. no lie. dont ever change and i dont think you have to change for me. youre pretty much perfect. were human and we all make mistakes. Youre so caring, its amazing. You make sure that everyone has a ride or if your friends have eaten lunch. if they havent you never hesitate to share your lunch. its hard to get mad at you or even stay mad at you. i guess your too special :] even tho ive done not such nice things to you, you never get mad at me. sometimes i think you will, but you dont. Ive never had anyone buy me starbucks just coming to my house, let alone make an excuse to buy it too. youre WAYY too nice. not kidding. you go out of your way to get things done. No matter what it takes, youre determined to get it done. Thank you. Thank you for everything you have done for me. i really do appreciate it.

Youre my friend, my bestfriend. The one ill never forget because everything youve done for me was just to great to be erased. No matter where life takes us, please stay in mine. I dont care if were lovers or friends, just be here forever.

Love,

Cherielynn Tsay

Lawrmily, Cork, and Pram?

Dear Hoho,

All the best to you for Thanksgiving! I heard you got a score of 3,557? Rintoo promised that he would do anything you asked of him for one day if you got anything higher than a 2,500. However, out of all things to choose from, I still don’t understand why you asked me to write about people I don’t even know well. But, I did say I would do whatever you asked me for so here it is.

Lawrmilly. Did you hear about how Lawr left Milly so he could finish his college applications? It was a bit of a shock to say the least. He didn’t even end up doing college apps. Nobody knows for sure what's up with him but rumors have been flying fast and furious that he didn’t even do his college apps and ended up going to his friend’s house to play Halo. I hope Lawr will make it up to Milly on Friday when we all go on our adventure to the city. He really is a nice fun guy who enjoys scary movies. I’m sure you don’t want me to go into further details about that :P If he ever tries to scare you I will have ninjas rise up from his floorboards...

Milly on the other hand seems like a very nice girl. Remember that one time when we were making headbands for Halloween? And the other time when we had our adventures at Target when you were chasing her all over the store? Emily is a very fun and interesting girl who deserves a guy like Lawrence. I think she is a great match for him.

I am quite busy these days working on my college applications. Every day, I am deeply engaged in this vigorous task and you ask me to write about Cork. Really? Out of everything you could have asked from me, you asked me to write about two people I have never even talked to. I really have nothing much to say about Coco or Mark but, if they are going to San Francisco with us, I would love to take that opportunity to meet them. They do seem like such nice people.

As for Pram, they are two very cool and interesting people. Aside from you, Sam is my other best friend. He is my young padawan. I am going to train him so he will grow up to become a non retarded Jedi. But from the looks of it right now, it’s not going so great. He needs to step up his game and use the force at school and get good grades. On the other hand, he is a very nice guy who always provides for his friends. Every time we go out to eat, he usually pays for me. Whenever I go to his house, I always end up eating half of his food supply. We have many inside jokes such as “We no speak Americano” and “getting cyphered”. Sometimes I feel bad cyphering him, something that happened on a daily basis. Therefore, I decided to stop under one condition: every time he made fun or talked smack about you, he would get cyphered. So if anything ever happens, just call securrrrrity, I got your back. I know how ruuuuude he can get sometimes.

I have to go now and attend to family duties. My college applications need to be completed and my mother wants me to help her clean the house. You are so lucky you don’t have to do college apps or clean the house.

As for the pageant, you will win! Have faith in yourself. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. And if you ever feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place.
Keep me posted whenever you can. I would really enjoy receiving letters/blog posts from you which reminds me that you still owe me one. ;)

Your buddy,


Rintoo

I Love You

My Beloved,

I love you! Just writing that puts a smile on my face. It's like when I see you, you don't even have to speak. All you have to do is smile, and it can make my day.

I love you because of your sweetness, your kindness, your tenderness, and your thoughtfulness.

I love you because you are my dear friend and loving companion.
You smile at my silly jokes and enjoy my youthful spirit. I love how we have so many inside jokes such as "Ima cut you", the adventures of Kailan, and socks.



I love you because I have a longing to be close to you and you long to be close to me. I love snuggling with you in front of a TV as we watch scary movies. I love when you hide under your blanket and bury your head in my arms during the scary scenes. I love to be near you. I love holding your hand on a walk during the day, holding your hands while I drive, and holding your hands across the table at a restaurant at night.

I love you because you listen to me as I share the small triumphs or struggles of the day. I love how both our bodies have so many problems due to the sports we do. I will talk about how hard football practice was and you will tell me how hard your dance teacher pushed you today.



I love you because in moments of friction between us, you hear me out. Even when you don't agree with me, you listen with a longing to understand me. I love how you always get really angry at me when I tease you or make fun of you.

I love you because you respect me. You honor the person that I am, rather than try to make me into someone I am not. You suffer my imperfections and my shortcomings largely without complaint.

I love you because you appreciate me. You enjoy my attentiveness and appreciate my efforts to please you. You appreciate my generosity to yourself and my generosity toward others.

I love you,

Isaac

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

Girl Drama

I miss you, but I’m trying not to care anymore.

This is the story of what happened between me and girls this past school year.
__________________________________________________________

So, in the beginning of the school year I had a thing with a sophomore. I went to aloha dance and homecoming with her and I sorta liked her. But she didn't really like me and was sorta leading me on I guess so after Halloween she just started ignoring me and shortly after, she got back together with her ex.

A few weeks passed and I met another girl in my science class (I'm going to call her girl 1) and I started talking with her. So I started walking her to class, buying her lunch, and I went to winterball with her. And I made her a sick ass Christmas gift :D But after winter break, she started ignoring me and started walking to class with a different guy so I was like wtf? And I never had the chance to hang out with her because she was either busy or her parents would not let her so I was like whatever so I started chatting with one of her friends (girl 2) and we decided to go watch Avatar together. (Which I mean is sort of messed up because they are like close friends)

So Girl 2 and I went to the movies and I did somethings I shouldn't have done. That was really my bad. And then I heard that girl 1 was mad at me so I assumed it was because I hung out with her friend. So I wrote them letters... Girl 1's letter was basically an apology for anything I've ever done to hurt her and Girl 2's letter was an apology for what I did to her which I shouldn't have done. To make it even more complicated, girl 1 was not mad at me for going to the movies with her friend. She was mad because there was a rumor going around that I had sex with her. So I was like WTF!?! However, I found out what happened (Apparently one day before wrestling practice someone asked me how me and Girl 1 was and I was like "we had sex" "JK JK JK" But this other guy overheard and didn't know about the JK JK JK so he told her) The good thing though is that I cleared it up with girl 1 and the reason why we stopped talking is because during winter break, she went to a church retreat and met another guy. Girl 2 also accepted my apology and we decided to "start over" and everything ended real well.

I started talking to girl 2 more and more and we started hanging out a lot. She came over for the superbowl, and she would come over to my house and we would watch movies and stuff. So I decided to ask her to Jr. Prom. She really likes goldfish so I found out what her favorite flavors were and I went early in the morning, shimmed her locker, moved all her stuff to an empty locker next to hers and filled it up with goldfish. I was planning to put so much goldfish would spill out, but I ran out :( Anyways, I filled her locker with goldfish and left a note that read "If fishes were wishes and you had 3, would 1 of them be to go to jr. prom with me?" And then I gave her flowers.

But then the happiness was short lived because, about one week before prom she started ignoring me. I sort of got the feeling that she didn't like me anymore so I IM'ed her saying "You probably don't like me anymore so I just wanna clear things up. Whats going on?" She didn't want to talk about it over AIM so the next day (day before prom) she told me that she doesn't feel the same toward me anymore and that things have changed. She told me that we should just stay friends and go to prom as friends. So at prom, it was extremely awkward, but I guess we still had a pretty good time. After prom night, we stopped talking and that lasted for about two weeks when she IM'ed me and we started talking again. (This was about 2 weeks ago) She told me about how her I-Pod had old music and she needs new music so we made plans. She was supposed to come over to my house and I would help her with her I-Pod. So I got mixed feelings and I did not know whether or not she still liked me. But then she flaked so this never happened anyways. Then around this time, I learn that she got asked about by another guy so I was like omg, but them breaking up made me feel a little better which is kinda messed up but...... :\

Then, this past week, I'm not really sure what happened, but I think somebody texted Sam and told him that Crystal was breaking up with him and that he should get back with Girl 2 (they had a thing before me) so according to what I know, Sam started yelling at girl 2 and she started to cry. But, I think I'm just really jealous and being overly protective of her though.

It's sad how I still like her, but she doesn't like me anymore. All my friends tell me shes not worth it and I should move on and that there are "plenty of fishes in the sea". I try to get over her, but whenever I'm alone, I just think of her. It's never taken me this long to get over somebody. One of the hardest things in life is watching the person you love, love someone else :(

Thats all. This is the story of my life.